Valentine’s Day and Ascot’s Common Dress Sense
This relentless outpouring of love and affection is doing my head in! My world is divided into 300 days of relative calm, sunny uplands where the green shoots etc etc… It is often a time of relative prosperity, if not in fact, then certainly in the impressions surrounding one. A day at Ascot, a trip […]
There’s nothing like a £5 gift – and I mean nothing!
I thought it was just a bad dream – but then I realised it was probably more serious. Was it possible that I have a multiple personality disorder? Many of you had probably already considered it but, being kind souls, had shelved the idea. Yesterday, however, it came to light. I started growling at The Hon, […]
Ryder, Arc and Cyprus – work, work, work
The Trustees of The Kneesup Foundation (World Peace through Gastronomy motto: Edere et bibere, et gaudeamus) have tasked me to fly to Cyprus to see if The Hon and I can help bring together this tiny, divided island through the simple act of redistributing the last few centimes left us by the crooks of this […]
RWANDA IS BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE AN ATTRACTIVE OPTION
I am ashamed by the POL-Fujitsu scandal. My shame stems mainly from thinking this is not how we do things in Blighty. I naively believed we – by which I mean our leaders – would not allow that to happen to people for eighteen months, let alone thirteen years. But my other emotion is of […]
Not a clue as to what is happening – but changes still have to be made.
One of BoJo’s mates, Heracles, suggested that “There is nothing permanent except change”, and perhaps this site has been a bit slow in keeping up and worse, even slower in fixing its lack of forward motion. Luckily, via the website Fiverr, where you can find freelancers standing twenty deep to help fix, design, create, and […]
Good Moaning all – A sad catch-up
My new laptop arrives, just in time to miss the tips for the last day of Glorious. Given that I managed to clear my Fitzdares account debt on Saturday, I fear you might think I have let you down. I should tell you that the other six betting accounts remain firmly in the red, and […]
So farewell Cheltenham…
Just one more day of potentially impactful racing at the home of NH racing, for which I have just two tips. The purists amongst you will point out the May Hunters meeting, but in reality, that is a posh Point to Point, but with more expensive drink. I used to go to that meeting primarily […]
The Cheltenham Question
I had a jolly Fish and Chip supper at a local pub last night with my old friend The FinTech Brain, and while inventing a new and delicious dessert (one scoop each of Blood Orange and Gin Sorbets covered in a shot of Cointreau), we cruised around the conversational islands of Paralympic Curling, Olympic 3-day […]
Glorious Goodwood – creating work for Hepatologists everywhere.
If some deadly enemy had sent over tiny drones to film the British and Irish at summer play, they would have immense insight into our national stamina, fortitude and determination, by simply going to a racing festival, Their cameras, cunningly disguised perhaps as Wasps, might also have led them to ponder about the rather strange […]
The Pharaoh of Galway’s Birthday – A sort of Celebration!
Peter O’Tool celebrates his 60th birthday today and his feast day has bought out the sun, at a time and temperature that made breakfasting on the Terraza or “Yard” as the Americans call it, an absolute must. The rest of this post was originally going to be about Peter, aka The Pharaoh of Galway, and […]
We should all give thanks. RIP HRH Prince Philip
Yesterday, part of the Oxfordshire internet went out and cut the Chateau d’If off from the rest of the world. By standing on the roof of a car, holding onto a branch, I regretfully managed to get the tips out, (sorry), and thus I heard the sad news. It was impossible to ignore the woeful […]
AWT Championships? Hasn’t Jesus suffered enough on Good Friday?
Good Friday, and Europe is awash with Fiestas and Fetes celebrating Holy Week. It’s a time of year when I might reasonably consider that the seasons were changing and that I needn’t be in-country a moment longer. It’s a much-hackneyed phrase, but this year I really do get the feeling that “spring is in the […]
Did Cheltenham week sound an alarm for you?
If I’m honest, the first couple of days of Cheltenham were spent in a state of bewilderment. Despite God and Government, we were alive although marooned, blamed, alone, vaccinated, yet still incapable of sharing a glass, and throughout it all, still watching some superb racing performances. Racing TV covered the races in a professional, engaging […]
This week I ‘ave been mostly studying blockchains
Much like the Fast Show’s Jesse, he of the notorious diets and wardrobe of filthy muck-spreading clothes, I feel mentally dishevelled – and I blame it all on Bitcoin. Thanks to Elon’s actions this week, I realised that my knowledge was thin, that time had moved on and that I had better refresh the little […]
A reader writes…
Pleasingly, the Raceweb church attracts a diverse congregation. One might even, in the context of this article, be tempted to suggest it is catholic. I recently mentioned in these pages the famous Irish priest and Festival racegoer, Fr Breen the other day, and no sooner had the electrons dried on the screen than Raceweb member, […]
If it ain’t Christmas, it must be Altcar
If I see another headline telling me that X is the New Z, I shall scream. Today’s X was Christmas decorations and suggested that Y was a happier mental outlook. Another went further, by suggesting that the nation keeps them up until every person in the UK is vaccinated. The drip-feed that now passes for […]
Chair the BHA – I’d rather eat glass.
Those of us cursed with the Lazy Gene, [CLICK HERE for some support of its existence], can instantly summon up a list of 1000 jobs one would never wish to do. Those of a more normal disposition, perhaps with a work-ethic that extends beyond 11:00 am, (the ideal time for a glass of The Old […]
Whoops – but please don’t cancel me.
Now and then one steps out into the bright light of day and steps straight into a pile of the very worst sort of ordure – an innocent comment of a chum’s political statement, namely: Political Correctness is Fascism pretending to be manners. The disputed author was George Carlin, the American stand-up comedian, actor, social […]
So much good news…
As various bundles of intelligence thump onto my desk, the headlines make for depressing reading. (I say headlines – I am from the BJ school of thought. If you want heavy lifting with an explanatory note, you need Cummings SPAD software v20.x!) Seven of the 19 Eurozone members will have debt higher than 100% of […]
A Sunday Quiz – or questions that need answering
I am trying hard not to be grumpy, but I fear that I could easily become the younger cousin of that most despicable of all social stereotypes, The Sanctimoanious Suburbanite. Like the Remoaners before them, sufferers simply can’t stop telling anyone who’ll listen, why people in London are the real menace… oh and that Mrs […]
If Sir Mark hasn’t worked this out by now, my name’s Dolores!
As Brighton, Carlisle, Nottingham and Worcester decide to keep the doors shut this summer, the BHA has published their fixture list and their future racing plans. You can have a look at the original press release by popping over to the DOWNLOADS Section, on the menu bar above. One key feature of these amendments is […]
A healthy obsession with numbers, or the death of reason?
Almost every conversation in the last four months has inevitably contained a number, statistic or formula. Even the barely sentient will rush to tell you what the R number is, or why the death-rate in Bolton is so similar to that of Belize. We are surrounded by statisticians and number crunchers and most of them […]
Royal Ascot news! 120 races over two weeks!
Exciting news from HM Vineyards, where Her Majesty’s loyal advisers have produced an exciting programme of more. There are now six extra races, (Sorry about the Fake News headline) including consolation races for the Royal Hunt Cup and Wokingham. This year – and only this year – there will be three new races; the 14f […]
Finally. A proper Sunday and a chance to catch up on some news.
Much like the Monkees 4th hit, “Pleasant Valley Sunday”, the Charcoal was burning everywhere last Sunday – not least at Raceweb Towers. Some delicious Lamb cutlets from a whole carcass purchased from my neighbours, butchered and wrapped sensibly at the local abattoir, some Tabbouleh, some homemade Treacle Tart, a bottle of delicious Antinori, and the […]
Quizzing the future?
What Ho, tout le monde et Bienvenue to racing “in absentia” from Longchamp. Like a Shakespearian speech, the racing was sans crowds, sans le picnic, sans hacks (well there were five in fact, but that was the entire interested world’s press), sans alcool, even sans owners. Pretty well sans everything. That includes, in my case, […]
Good eggs need your support.
Some years ago, I was introduced to Sam Hoskins who had just launched Hot to Trot, a racing syndicate which, in name at least, had all the potential of becoming a hotbed of syndicated lust. What actually transpired, was that a number of my chums secretly took up Sam’s offer to hotly trot and added […]
What’s new and things to do
High Rise has posted two new book reviews, and I am thrilled to discover that I have actually read one of his recommendations! The reason I was so delighted to secure HR’s literary services, is that he is an intellectual giant, despite his penchant for a tasselled shoe, and I have always held him in the […]
Keep right on to the end of the road….
Somewhere in a rat-infested cellar in Hamburg, will gather tonight a little group of Aryan thugs to celebrate the birth of Adolf Hitler. I can’t tell you the address or the names of the participants, but rest assured some will meet – because that menace has never gone away. Similarly, because we live in a […]
A view of the news
It has been in recent days, increasingly clear from all the various sensory inputs, that we – the general public – are becoming tiresomely self-righteous. Our moral outrage is relentless, self-harming, corrosively dangerous, and ultimately self-destructive. There is an alarming rise in domestic violence as partners suddenly realise that their sense of smell has returned, […]
At last – a post that doesn’t cough and does involve racing!
I remember many years ago, at about this time of year, the team launching The Middleham Trainers Association and then the Middleham Open Day. The local MP, Marcus’ dad Roddy, Pat Haslam, James Bethell and countless others all turned out for the first Open Day on a Good Friday. Peter Walwyn, who ran Lambourn Open […]
Broadsword calling Danny Boy – Broadsword calling Danny Boy
There is now no doubt that we are at war. Our website today came under an attack from Panama with 249 attempted hacks in 10 minutes. Fortunately, our defences are strong, but quite what Signor Jorge was hoping to do is beyond me. Was he trying to discover the secrets of our Cheltenham – I […]
Are we not nearly Good?
At a recent editorial meeting, the head of compliance suggested that in 2020 we should in some way hold ourselves accountable, so that the incurably stupid who blindly followed our tips, might at least get some pre-warning, and thus an opportunity to bag a decent pitch under the arches on the Embankment. O’Tool via his […]
They’re Mighty Meaty Matey
Once upon a time, there was a company called Drings, that produced a widely-advertised sausage, under the slogan “They’re Mighty Meaty Matey”. I think there might even have been a bit about “…slap ’em on your platey”, but I could be imagining that bit. What I didn’t imagine was that extraordinarily slanted piece of gratuitous […]
Traincrash, Disaster, Devastation, Mayhem, Sadness
Yesterday started brilliantly. I had done the form very early on Saturday morning and, despite slipping on ice and crashing to the ground at 1:00 am, I was none the worse for wear. The cataract operation, (done on Monday), is on course for the Outstanding Performance by the NHS award and four days later, I […]
The weekend rolls on
I’m quite relieved to be socially unattached today. My TV and a roaring planet-destroyer are calling with Racing, EuroFooty, Grand Prix and maybe even a bit of left-over take-away Chinese washed down with beer and no glass … a real boys-at-home “Slack Order” day. Yesterday could have worked out better on the tipping front – […]
Those magnificent men still happily at it
My monthly perusal of Drone Wars, while always entertaining, this time contained some proper Sit-Up-Straight-and-Pay-Attention news. It was, in summary, this little insight. Throughout the UK’s air campaign over Syria and Iraq, between October 2017 and September 2019, the RAF’s Tornados, Typhoons and Reaper drones attacked 499 ISIS targets. The cost of the ordinance detonated […]
You asked – we answered
Crikey, I hear you say, I thought The Tissue had gone on holiday to Georgia for his annual Penguin Counting Festival, did his flight get cancelled? No, gentle reader, I have merely pulled the transport to the side of the island’s airport to provide The Judge’s precise and very correct answers. The first question came […]
Syria 0 Turkey 0 – USA 0 Russia 0
It was once suggested that the US has never actually had a foreign policy per se, but rather it has simply destabilised any region thus occupying the perceived antagonists of the US, at any given moment in time. If that is true, it is perhaps the explanation of what is happening in Turkey and Syria […]
Capt. Knees back in the fold
I am delighted to announce that I shall be taking my annual holiday on Georgia, counting the Penguins and ensuring that the ice in my Gin is as fresh as possible. Meanwhile, Capt. Kneesup has managed to pay off the debts he incurred after mortgaging the house, selling Lady Kneesup, and visiting Burly Betty, the […]
All the news that’s fit to print
Having been off-air, (and some might rudely suggest, off-form), last week I thought it time that I bring you up to speed with various happenings. Luckily while visiting my chums, I left you in the hands of the Pharaoh of Galway, who produced a couple of double-digit winners, to the extent that backing him blind […]
Mea Maxima Culpa… it’s work (ed)
Darlings, I fear that unless you collectively glance at the pages without my sending you a reminder. you will miss both the opportunities our tips regularly present. The first alternative world is one where you recuperate from a busy lunchtime cocktail of Brasso and Red Rull, under the arches at Charing Cross, having invested in […]
Thomas Cook – an unfortunate truth
I was slightly surprised that every Thomas Cook customer seen on TV, seemed “horrified”, “surprised”, “dazed”, and “bewildered”, leading me to assume that they had collectively failed to read a single newspaper report that suggested or even hinted at the fact that TC was on its uppers; and even if it wasn’t, it was so […]
Hares and Rabbits? Not if William has the gun!
I was startled by The Archers omnibus this morning, when William Grundy, gamekeeper to the big estate, failed to shoot either his brother, his father or himself, in a small bedroom with a loaded 12-bore. Crikey, I thought. It’s probably fair to say that Borsetshire’s poachers can sleep easy in their beds at the beginning […]
Raceweb Update
Firstly I’d like to formally welcome The Pharoah of Galway, Peter O’Tool, who will have an irregular column within the pages of Raceweb. Yesterday he sent me an email with a 14/1 winner four minutes before the off and opened by me 10 minutes after the finish. When I asked why he had made the […]
THE BEGINNING OF THE END?
Prorogation, a few facts BACKGROUND Yesterday, August 28th, HM The Queen accepted a request from the government to suspend parliamentary sessions between September 9th and October 14th – to prorogue Parliament. To prorogue Parliament simply resets the session. Any legislation yet to become law is wiped clean – except for those that MPs vote to […]
The Diary
Only this time last week, I was recovering from being at Goodwood for four days and trying to find a winner on Saturday. Same-o same-o. The next day a drinks party, where I was told of a girl in Hungerford, who is a tailor. As I am in need, following the significant disruption to the […]
A funny thing didn’t happen on the way to work today.
I recently saw a Chinese factory owner say to the TV camera that two years ago, he employed 3400 Chinese from the local town. He recently installed two robots, has now doubled output and employs 800 workers. He will have paid off the investment within 18 months. A little later, another Chinaman, sitting astride a […]
Goodwood – The Facts
At lunchtime today, I met one of Raceweb’s subscribers, the ever fragrant Ms C. She suggested that – given my tips – I must have lost zillions. Thus for curiosity’s sake, (and to wipe out this foul slur), I wanted to evaluate Raceweb’s actual P&L after 35 races. Let’s face it, Goodwood provides more fun than […]
The Open already providing plenty of heartache.
The one thing we should have known, as sensible sporting people, was that Rory McIlroy could no more win The Open than Ayatollah Khamenei. The intense pressure of being an Ulsterman, on an Ulster Course, in a tournament that he and his fellow Ulstermen had worked hard to have held in Ulster was always going […]
Dear Lord and Father of Mankind
It has all been said, and it has all been gone over, but for what it is worth, here is my tuppence-worth, on the most exceptional days sport ever witnessed. I had on Saturday decided to lose a packet on X-Court sets in the Ladies Final. Essentially I reasoned this was going to be close. […]