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“A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries."

If it’s BBC4 – it must be Eurovision?

Capt. Kneesup

Capt. Kneesup


Well, there’s unusual. BBC4 now regards The ESC as Art and I am wholly in admiration of Graham Norton, whose contracts seems to allow him to cover the Eurovision Song Contest for any and everyone. BBC, Virgin, Bratislavan WNK1 – anyone. He makes McEnroe at Wimbledon look like a sloth on Ketamine. Anyway, the money is down, the word is out… MALTA. One of my favourite websites is Popbitch, which my late-night friends from Madame JoJos know only too well because it is to Popbitch that all tales from the jilted and unsatiated flow. I take without recourse to permissions, but with humble acknowledgements,  this insight:


* Malta – This Lizzo-esque electoswinger is the obvious choice on paper, and the bookies’ favourite for months, but others have been gaining on it in recent days

* Iceland – Last year’s hot ticket, 8-bit bedroom-disco hero Daði is back with more of the same and has tons of goodwill in the bank

* France – About as French as it can be. Melancholic cigarettes-for-dinner tier.

* Italy – Aiming for Arctic Monkeys, landing a little closer to Terrorvision, it’s a juicy bit of red meat for the ‘real music’ crowd


* Ukraine – A bonkers wailing folk-rave mash-up that might induce a passive acid trip

* Finland – An early 00s nu-metal call to take shots, throw up, and stick your middle fingers in the air

* Denmark – A proper time-warp, like something from Eurovision ’87. Not in a kitsch ironic way; a genuine bug-in-amber relic.

* San Marino – They got Flo Rida to do a verse on the record, can they convince him to come to Rotterdam?

MALTA Win – UKRAINE e/w 4 places

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