If it’s June 1st it must be time for a Derby Dinner.

Let me rush to say that I would have been unable to attend any dinners this week  – even if I had been invited. Which I wasn’t. This is not a cry of pain from Norman Kneesup No-Mates; it is only through a combination of events beyond my control that I cannot leave Lambourn. Instead, I will await the first phone calls to tell me that all is well – or that drones have been seen over Derby’s Newmarket estates as HMS Hood attempts another coup de grace. These days you never know what might happen. For the two readers who have never been to any standard racing dinner to celebrate a big race, the oft-followed form is this.

Arrive, say your What Hos. and spend multiple quids on raffle tickets. Drink. Talk to chums. Realise you haven’t got enough tickets and buy more. Sit down for dinner. Try to be brave, as the food at these things can often be surprising. Last year, I had one Derby Dinner where the food was delicious – mainly because I was in my own club, and the excellent Chef d’Equipe is astonishingly capable, charming and attentive. He can never be told these things, of course, as excessive demands are always the outcome of such praise. At another, but in a frightfully swanky hotel, it was indifferent – at best. Indeed I had a bread roll that you could have used as a priest on a struggling muntjac. It makes no matter because you are with chums and enjoying yourself and the drink is flowing.

But I digress… you have eaten, you have drunk and are possibly even getting squiffy, and your pockets are stuffed metaphorically with raffle tickets. Coffee is served. A speech or two is made, sometimes involving the form, and then a drawer is made. This can be done ceremoniously and sometimes not. At this point – and always a sign of a well-run beano – a piece of paper arrives on the table showing the names of all the people who have won. Aaah, I hear you say – but what have they won?

A horse, dear one, a horse. They have won a runner in the Celebrated race. For argument’s sake, there were 1500 raffle tickets at a tenner a pop, so the total kitty was £15,000. And as there are only ten runners in the Celebrated Race, only ten of the guests have a horse. But now it gets complicated because they now auction the horses off.

So let us suppose I have drawn Dobbin in the Sweep. Dobbin is auctioned and, being marginally fancied for the Celebrated Race is sold for £6,000. As the owner of Dobbin, I receive 50%, and the other £3k goes into the pool, making the pool £18k. From that pool, at the end of the evening, the organisers will deduct x% for the charity the dinner is supporting, and then the balance will be divided between the first three places and the last one home – with, say, 60% to the winner and lower amounts to the others. Yes, Cherie, you have seen the secondary and oft-forgotten benefit. You could buy Dobbin yourself – and only pay 50% of the bid price! However, you are a braver man than me, Gunga, if you only bought £100 of raffle tickets and were getting a 30-1 return, guaranteed.

It is also in the thrilling bidding that some surprises can still be found. These events are heaving with racing pros, and I have seen trainers bidding for a  rival’s runner and owners bidding against their trainers. Historically in the days when bookmakers were people of conviction and not just dullard accountants, and when the Betfairs didn’t exist, these dinners would be the place for some useful laying off – because there was sufficient liquidity and risk-takers in situ. it was also a place for some of the major players to get a hefty bet on at sensible prices.

This brings me finally to the point. Was I at a Derby Dinner – where would I be hoping for a draw, and where might I be having a bid?

As you have the Rabbit Pilaf en brioche au Creme d’Andouillete consider the running news story this has become. It has the real possibility of being a truly major and uncontrollable riot with 200+ yobbos and 1000 of their scummy anarchist cousins from Extinction Anarchists of the Vegan Glue is For Pussies Society. A non-stop fight from 12:30 on the Downs; bring your own Drones. Hopefully, the traditional travelling community who often occupy the Downs for Derby week will also be there in some numbers. Those boys are always keen on a good cock or dogfight and are not necessarily strangers to badger-baiting. Of course, you can’t say so because that would either be considered a hate crime or, should you attend the odd Northern sporting occasion, considered cultural assimilation. Personally, I hope they give them seven kinds of hell and that the 3000 Old Bill averts their eyes for 30 minutes.

Sensibly, however, young Andrew Cooper – England’s finest Clerk of The Course – will ignore me and will water sufficiently to produce no faster than Good ground – he will definitely not be producing fast ground, despite the current drying conditions. The last thing we need is any jarring.

As for me…

I have an early ticket at 40/1 for WAIPIRO, and he has the possibility of reversing placings with MILITARY ORDER from the Lingfield Derby Trial. My lad was beaten 1¼l on the day, having been pushed wide on the bend, in a race that I felt was significantly impacted by not being run on Turf, but on the AWT. The Godolphin runner was immediately made favourite, while Waipiro came into a 16-1 chance after just three career runs. My fear now is that he can get a bit warm at home and delays to the race might not be a benefit. Ed Walker told me that he was likely to go down in a red hood to help keep a lid on him a bit because – “he was a bit noisy at the start at Lingfield. He is generally a very relaxed horse and a professional horse.” He’s also very capable of delivering this for the diffidently charming Walker.

I also backed PASSENGER at 16s despite his not having been entered at the time, but then what’s £85k between chums? Owned by the Niarchos family, he made a taking debut when scoring in a mile maiden at Newmarket on April 20. Then, because of the heavy ground, he was withdrawn from the Dee Stakes, so they paid £14k to supplement PASSENGER for The Dante at York. Upped to an extended 10 furlongs and racing keenly early on his second start, jockey Richard Kingscote found his path blocked when attempting to mount a challenge two furlongs from home. Once seeing daylight, the 9-4 favourite stayed on nicely and forced a dead heat for third, just a length and a half behind The Foxes, who enjoyed the run of the race. PASSENGER will bid to give Stoutey a seventh Derby success following victories with Shergar (1981), Shahrastani (1986), Kris Kin (2003), North Light (2004), Workforce (2010) and Desert Crown. If The Dante is the key to this year’s Derby (not for the first time), then you’d have to consider the 1-2-3.

Rewatching the race for the umpteenth time, I do wonder if he’s really got the pedal to the metal or whether he’s a 10f.  Anyway, I’ve got him at a sensible price.

I have also backed ARTISTIC STAR because he does have talent and seemed to be value at 40s.

What would I be pleased to draw: I would not be upset with SPREWELL or WHITE BIRCH.

What would I keep if I had drawn them:? WAIPIRO and PASSENGER. Stop staring at the film and remember who trains him!

Pip Pip and Bon Appetit