Derby Dinner – Lunch – Derby Dinner – Funeral – Oaks – Wake – Derby

The back cracker has done her job as far as she can, and the physio has called the knee problem as a meniscus and told me to forget Strictly. As far as is physically possible, I am thus fit for The Derby Double Header.

The Derby Double Header is notoriously difficult in the pantheon of unrestructured man’s achievements, especially in chaps over 65 with dodgy backs and worse knees. In terms of the total assault on the major organs of the body, I suppose Jeffrey Bernard might have rated the seven days of The Galway Festival as a sapping experience. Luke Harvey and Nicky Henderson would manfully and still do tackle the five days of The Punchestown Festival. I used to feel weak by Day Four, when Punchestown had a proper Pavilion for drinking and when it made popping into The Kildare Street Club, which was strapped by rusting girders to the side of the old grandstand akin to opening a bottle of Pol Roger whilst balancing on top of The Eiffel Tower in a Force 10 Gale. Nowadays, almost anyone can manage four days of Cheltenham now that they have introduced Municipal Car Parking and Wounded Rhino charging, all run by Puritan zealots. The Waterloo Cup was only three days, but add one night for the call-over and another for the anti’s causing a delay, and that magical few days in February gave the Liver a good work-out before Cheltenham and Punchestown. I have found myself with several Nominators clinging to a seaside wall for fear of being swept out into the Irish murk. It was tough – but do-able.

Some mountains, like Annapurna, are considered far more dangerous than K2 or Everest simply because, of all the 8,000m+ mountains, it has a near-40% attrition rate. I do not know the death rate for the double-header, but it has certainly lessened lifespans. I swore I would never do it again almost a decade ago after I found myself experimenting with Deliveroo after getting the Munchies at about 2:00 a.m. in Dolphin Square. A Group 1 Hangover is never helped under any circumstances by having food poisoning. I plan on changing my phone’s access code by changing the current sign-in of 6 digits to one of 27 – which I shall write down and stick in a suit pocket to be discovered the next morning in the Deuxieme EasyLodge Inn or whatever it is called. Then, lest/when/if I am trollied, I shall not be able to disturb anyone until lunchtime the next day.

Anyway, the point is, I shall not be writing much due to liver failure and delirium tremens, so best I say something now.

FRIDAY 31ST MAY 2024 – LIVE RACING – 1330 – 1700, ITV1 + STV

14:00 THE BETFRED BRITISH EBF WOODCOTE BRITISH STAKES (CONDITIONS RACE) 6F

The short list is BLEWBURTON – END OF STORY – SONIC BLUE – TEEJ A – THE ACTOR

END OF STORY 3 pts e/w

14:35 THE TRUSTATRADER HANDICAP STAKES 1M 1⁄2 F

Short list DANCING MAGIC – DASHING ROGER – ORBAAN

DANCING MAGIC 4 pts e/w

15:10 THE CORONATION CUP (GROUP ONE) – BCS 1M 4F

With five runners only… as in not with four… go for the overpriced

HAMISH 1 pt e/w

15:45 THE BETFRED NIFTY FIFTY HANDICAP STAKES 1M 2F

KINGS CODE 5 pts e/w

16:30 THE BETFRED OAKS (GROUP ONE) – BETFRED CHAMPIONS SERIES 1M 4F

FOREST FAIRY beats YLANG YLANG

FOREST FAIRY 4 pts e/w

The rest on Saturday – God willing