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11th November 2024 5:05 am

“A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries."

Game Set and Match at the Newmarket July meeting

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You will have been aware of some technical issues in my recent output, capped on Saturday night by an enormous peal of thunder and a lightning bolt that unbeknownst to us, had blown out the main internet and wifi router. As it was, we woke on Sunday morning to the voice of Alexa whining that she could not connect to the internet and not to bother her with inane questions such as weather schedule and track temperature at Silverstone. (I always try to find one question a day that causes her to wobble and that was to be Sundays ).

Despite living in a house that seems to depend entirely on internet connectivity, we did not need the internet on Sunday, as we were out for lunch with one of the top three most dangerous men I know and were likely to be far too trollied in the evening to notice the absence of Wi-Fi. Nevertheless, the tech team needed to be put on the case, so before the Sunday lunch train crash, I called our service provider, Zen, who is by no means the cheapest, but in tech support terms, they do their job efficiently and effectively. They managed to get an Openreach engineer on the job by Monday morning (!), who diagnosed the blown-out router from the big bang on Saturday, and a replacement arrived on Tuesday!

So, I am back online, and everything is ticketyboo. Moreover, during the downtime, I taught myself to play tennis like a pro.

I was prompted to begin this new sporting endeavour because, for 48 hours, all I could get over the ether was BBC tennis; plus, in the library, I had come across an old book written in 1906 that was helpful on the subject of tennis “intake”.

“A common drink is “oatmeal water,” made by mixing the raw cereal with water and allowing the sediment to settle. This makes one of the most healthful beverages when one is heated and thirsty. Do not drink too much at once; rather increase the number and diminish the amount of your potations.”

It was also careful to ensure that I should…:

“Never sit or stand round a court after the end of a contest when you are moist and hot. If you are compelled to wait for any appreciable time between sets or short matches, put on a “sweater.” Do not sit on the ground while heated unless you are anxious to contract rheumatism.”

Keen to become “…moist and hot”, I turned to former champion Anthony F Wilding, who won Wimbledon four times (1910 – 1913), the Davis Cup four times, and the Australian Open twice. In his 1913 guide, “On the Court and Off”, he wrote about recent game changes:

“Two of the alterations most marked are increased pace and volleying. Volleying is now a necessity even for the average player. The American service has done much to develop volleying ; it has encouraged players to approach the net more frequently. Nevertheless the exaggerated type of American service is gradually dying a natural death; and rightly so…. An excessive break service involves a certain amount of contortion, of departure from an easy natural swing. The result is not only a loss of valuable time in recovering poise, but the cumulative effect of the strain is bound to be felt on the general tone of a man’s game.”

Well, I think I understood the gist of that. Volleying is essentially hitting the ball repeatedly until the opponent makes a mistake. However, the champ says there must be no contortions, no excessive services, don’t drink too much, don’t sit on the ground and take all reasonable care of your health. Thus, I have started gently. There is so much to take on board.

Firstly, there is getting onto the court. The walk from the changing room and out onto Centre Court seems to require several porters, none of whom are appear available – if they exist at all! All one sees on TV are these huge bags being dragged onto the court – by the players! The bags and the amount of equipment, food, and liquid seem sizeable, and as anyone with any common sense knows, a litre of liquid weighs approximately 1 kilogram. Thus, I advise sending the baggage ahead and having it all laid out by the time you arrive. Cornish Pasties, Magnum Ice Creams, Scotch Eggs, a selection of refreshing liquids and some ice for the Spritzers if it is especially sunny. I begin to wonder whether some of these young players may not earn enough to employ a trusted Butler or Lady’s maid to help with on-court service.

Warming up seems pretty simple, but do not overdo it. To be honest, I rather skipped past this stage, as I have not yet selected a regular playing partner.

On the subject of Serving – as opposed to service, which I have touched upon – I am keen to follow the Champion’s advice. “The more break a player imparts to a delivery, the slower the service must be.” I assume that’s some form of Edwardian typo, and it should read “..the more breaks…, the slower the service'” But you still have to fool your opponent, and so with a tennis ball removed from the Dog’s bed, I have mastered the Djokovic bounce. Exactly nine bounces – eleven if he intends to go for a centre-line ace. This has got to be done with little apparent focus on the ball. It has taken me hours to perfect so that although I am, on the surface, uncaringly metronomic, my hand is automatically catching the ball and still managing to vary the bouncing tempo so that opponents become confused and unsure about my next move.

I have also been practising a rather nifty spinning-cum-juggling manoeuvre that I saw a player do in between his opponent’s serves. By the way, please remember my guaranteed tennis winner selection method. Never back a player to win a tournament who wears his cap backwards (Raceweb passim: HERE).

It’s difficult to know whether I have mastered this piece of disconcerting racquet adroitness because until I am more sure of myself, I am studiously avoiding handling a racket. Instead, I’m sticking with my old Dunlap Air Racquet, so my twirling practice cannot result in a bruised head from flying carbon fibre. Much like my old Fonder Stratocaster Air Guitar, it is incredibly light and has no weight when practising things like racquet spinning.

What else? I am not a fan of oat water, but I have acquired a water bottle with a flip top from The Hon, which I fill with something pink. All I had was Aperol, which was too red, so I thinned it out with vodka and water, and it turns out that it is quite the sharpener for inter-game refreshments. I have tried drinking this with a towel over my head, but I spilt quite a lot down my polo shirt, so I have stopped doing that. I also get quite a lot of nourishment from my own version of the gel bags favoured by Spinner and Alcaraz, who seem to keep thousands of these little pouches in their bags. I use a small piping bag with a foie gras mousseline thinned with truffle butter. I think that on Melba Toast, together with the obligatory half a banana and a bag of Twiglets or Hula Hoops, will be more than enough to keep me going between games.

Tomorrow, I intend to move on to the post-match interview because it’s a real skill to be able to choke back tears of joy, be humble, and at the same time try to ensure that everyone knows you’re ready to crush the life and soul out of the next opponent. Also, one has to smile at the child who comes at you with a giant tennis ball for signing when, in fact, you’re simply wondering why they have no manners and why they aren’t cleaning chimneys or leading pit ponies.

Someone mentioned court shoes, which, having looked them up on the interweb, seem much smarter than I had originally supposed, so I’m off to Lobbs on Thursday for a fitting. By the way, if you happen to walk into my Club and see a chap sitting in the corner with a towel over his head and some claret stains on his shirt, please do not disturb him. It will probably be me in my “Game Zone”, focussing on whether I did nine bounces or ten last time I had the serve.

Talking of having all the credentials to be the next American president thanks to a strong grip on both my Air Racquet and reality, here are the tips for the Newmarket July Meeting.

The course received 20mm of rain between 14:30 and 15:30 yesterday, which has produced properly soft ground. The forecasts suggest it is unlikely the ground will dry out. These conditions will play into the hands of a few, notably ARREST and HAMISH.

1:50 Bahrain Trophy Stakes (G3) Cl1 (3yo) 1m5f ITV 4 run

ANCIENT WISDOM missed Royal Ascot after disappointing in the Derby, coming home 8th. Back on this more conventional track, he looks the one they have to beat. ROYAL SUPREMACY – Did well as a 2yo and began this season with a ½l 2nd to Hand of God at Sandown in receipt of just 2 lbs. He was then 2nd in the Italian Derby before a 3rd in the King Edward VII, for which he was supplemented. It wasn’t the best race of the week, and whilst it was on paper a quick time, the winner carried 8lb less than the race for older horses, and the ground had had another hour to quicken up. Many were bamboozled as to why PORTLAND ran in the Hampton Court rather than the Queen’s Vase where he had an entry. I’m almost certain there is a direct quote from Aiden after he won the King George V at Leopardstown, saying he would go further and be the better for it. Finally, he’s here.

PORTLAND 6 pts e/w – with ANCIENT WISDOM 1pt RFC

2:25 Kingdom Of Bahrain July Stakes (G2) (Colts & Geldings) Cl1 (2yo) 6f ITV 6 run

You have to fancy the Coventry runner-up ELECTROLYTE (the 2nd from that Ascot race has run in the July Stakes six times since 2016, and three of them have won). He rattled home on the nearside group to take it up with half a furlong to go but couldn’t quite reel in the eventual winner, who led home the farside group.

ELECTROLYTE 4 pts Win

3:00 Bet Boost At bet365 Hcap Cl2 (3yo 0-105) 6f ITV 16 run

Dutch IMPERIAL GUARD and DARK VINTAGE 7 pts WinTHUNDER BLUE 3 pts e/w

3:35 Princess Of Wales’s Stakes (Sponsored By The Kingdom Of Bahrain) (G2) Cl1 (3yo+) 1m4f ITV 6 run

HAMISH should win on this ground. ARREST should chase him home. Favourites are 4622264212.

NO BET

4:10 British Stallion Studs EBF Maiden Fillies’ Stakes Cl2 (2yo) 6f RTV 9 run

A whisper for Conrad Allen’s newcomer PEARL OF WINDSOR. Very well bred and is regarded. Capable of a small surprise?

PEARL OF WINDSOR 2 pts e/w 

4:45 Edmondson Hall Solicitors Sir Henry Cecil Stakes Cl1 (3yo) 1m RTV 6 run

KITTY ROSE 3 pts Win

5:20 Blandford Bloodstock Hcap Cl3 (3yo+ 0-95) 1m RTV 10 run

REPERTOIRE won at Windsor last season and has returned in decent form this year, with the best effort coming when 3rd off this mark at Goodwood LTO. 1lb shy of his last winning mark and looks set up for this today.

REPERTOIRE 3 pts e/w

 

 

 

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