I was blissfully unaware of the televised racing from my usual lenten posture, which I traditionally adopt at this time of year. Probably weak from 40 days of fasting, I could only see torrential rain and various other Godly visitations through the sackcloth, ashes and palm fronds. Among the plagues visited on us has been…
Author: Capt. Kneesup
A flat start to The Flat
Doesn’t life change rapidly? Last week, the supposed greatest racing festival, today is the start of the Flat season. Yesterday, we went off to Wallingford to see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang done by the local players – which was fab and, in places, rather surprisingly sexy – or maybe I’m just a sad old git….
Cheltenham – for what it’s worth
SUMMARY Having unjustly gained a negative reputation for being part of the Pandemic problem, perhaps impacting local and regional community support, Cheltenham has managed to lose racing fans through a combination of poor event planning, weak and/or arrogant customer relations, aggressive price marketing, and a race schedule, which has managed to engineer an uncompetitive and,…
Saturday – a time for quiet reflection
As we seem to be surrounded by retired football managers all screaming, “Gitonmason” (I’m interpreting the accent), I too want to give a loud “Oooochaarrr” for the wisely invested Kneesup hours, which led to today’s results showing a 90.17pt profit. Over the four days, we recommended bets totalling 147.5 points, which delivered an ROI of…
Cheltenham Day 4
A very smiley girl appeared at my breakfast table this morning, clutching at some of my clothing that she’d found on her travels. “You bounder and cad”, I hear you say, but wait, the Hon was close at hand; nothing untoward was afoot, and even coffee and a warmed croissant were offered, or a glass…
Cheltenham Festival Day 3
DAY 3: THURSDAY 14 MARCH 13:30 THE TURNERS NOV. CHASE (G1) 2m 4f Chase ZANAHIYR has had a good season so far with two decent graded runs before converting to Chasing. His debut saw him run into Fact To File, and his poor jumping didn’t aid his cause – but he did have Minella Cocooner…
CHELTENHAM DAY 2
DAY 2: WEDNESDAY 13 MARCH 13:30 THE GALLAGHER (BARING BINGHAM) NOV. HDL (G1) 2m 5f Hurdle If you swerve HANDSTANDS and THE GREY MAN on trends grounds, and you think the probable winner, BALLYBURN is too short, then you might want to consider either PREDATOR’S GOLD or MERCUREY. The former has recently run second in…
Cheltenham Festival Day 1
As of 8:30 am on Monday, the ground was Soft all over, and the Cross Country was Heavy, Soft in places. Some drizzle was possible on Monday. Showers are forecast for the early hours and into the morning on Tuesday (3-4mm). This will be Soft, sticky ground and beginning to dry. Champion Day – Tuesday,…
LAMBOURN – WHERE THE OSCARS ARE ACTUALLY DECIDED
It’s been a week when as much caught the ear as the eye. The Chancellor (how quickly we forget he once saw himself as The PM) said in his Jam Tomorrow and The Day After deceitful Budget speech: “We believe that in a free society the money you earn doesn’t belong to the government. It…
Raceweb’s Cheltenham Festival: The Stats Pack – 20 STATS YOU NEVER KNEW
The following statistics, trends, and anomalies, call it what you will – these numbers – provide a potentially useful insight into possible Festival race outcomes. The numbers are facts, but as a dear friend once remarked after Mon Mome’s National victory, your statistic on French-bred National runners winning isn’t wrong; it’s simply that there are…
How did Jeffrey do it?
My hero, Jeffrey Joseph Bernard, of sainted fame, could any day after 6:00 pm do a bottle of vodka, consume a decent dinner, talk racing happily for hours, drink claret, smoke a packet of fags, go to Grouchos, pull a barmaid and be tucked up in bed by 2:00 am. I tried this yesterday without…
The 2024 Cheltenham Festival – The Kneesup Overview
Whatever happens, please ensure that you only bet NRNB. Also remember that if there is a non-runner in Doubles, for example, the bet becomes a Single. Thus an 11 bet Yankee (1x 4, 4×3, 6×2) with a non-runner becomes a Patent (1×3 – 6×2 – 3×1 with 1 stake returned). Champion Day – Tuesday, March…
Parliamentary duplicity, some Grand National tips, and a frictionless potato peeler.
IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES… As luck (entirely the wrong word for what transpired) would have it, I decided at about 6:30 on Wednesday night to see how the Commons was getting on with what passes for political debate these days, and have a gander at the Opposition Day SNP motion in action. It’s…
The Mexican Open
Sandy Lane has sent a note, along the lines that the Weights of the Grand National or even Fontwell on a soaking Thursday were considerably more interesting than this weekend’s PGA offering – The Mexican Open – and that he was not sure that this event was the “full enchilada”. So I thought I would…
Sunday Golf, Irish racing, Secret shredding
With not much doing on the social front, attention has turned to resolving some issues in the office – such as a mountain of papers. The Hon is on shredding duty, as she is rightly concerned that information is power, and in the days of paper recycling and special bins, a walk around Notting Hill…
Cancel Cheltenham – we’re all going to Bicester Village to buy a hat.
It has been a busy week, which I have covered elsewhere, and albeit I have slightly recovered from a week full of shocks and Valentine’s needs and planning, I am still reeling from Ascot’s appointment of a style guru who will explain to me how to put on a top hat. Meanwhile, the Ascot PR…
Green Space, White Space, Grey Lies, a black day.
I went with The Hon the other day to the funeral of Norman Thomas, a proper traditional country farmer. He was three times larger than life; he shot well, hunted hard, farmed profitably (largely thanks to land development), drank prodigiously, partied noisily, and loved horses and racing. (His daughter worked for us and was a…
Valentine’s Day and Ascot’s Common Dress Sense
This relentless outpouring of love and affection is doing my head in! My world is divided into 300 days of relative calm, sunny uplands where the green shoots etc etc… It is often a time of relative prosperity, if not in fact, then certainly in the impressions surrounding one. A day at Ascot, a trip…
Weather aside – there’s quite a lot going on, sportswise.
Rain, snow, sleet, plagues of frogs or locusts, we shouldn’t be surprised, although Thursday in Scottsdale did slightly bamboozle me and most of the Koreans on the tour, who all seemed shy of the appropriate wet weather gear. No such thing as bad weather, dear, just inappropriate clothing was what Nanny was often heard to…
FOR A BRIEF MOMENT THERE, I THOUGHT I WAS IN TROUBLE
In the back of my mind resides many trivial racing stats. I trot them out periodically for a freshen-up and a bit of a brush-down because they’re going for a gallop quite soon, and you need to know that alles ist in Ordnung, as they used to say in Stalag Luft VII after a dodgy…
Between teenage killers, corruption in the Town Hall, barmy illegals, HMRC and the bookmakers – what could possibly go wrong?
My recent observations on the ferality of much of the infrastructure of the departmentalised Civil Service, with specific reference to HMRC, struck a personal chord with one reader. He/She/They wrote: “I have been hounded for doing nothing illegal, for paying the agreed tax in place at the time, and paying it promptly, and have been…
THE PGA TOUR – THE AT&T PRO-AM AT PEBBLE BEACH
As you know, our correspondent Sandy Lane is permanently based in Barbados, where he busies himself on a range of important Island matters. His Christmases may all have just arrived at once, with the news that the PGA Tour and Barbados Tourism Marketing Inc. (BTMI) have revealed a long-term Official Marketing Partnership this Monday that…
The Farmers Insurance Open
The Farmers Insurance Open has become one of the most exciting regular-season PGA Tour events on the schedule, thanks in no small part to the host course, Torrey Pines, and Tiger Woods‘ incredible winning record there, including his epic 2008 U.S. Open triumph. We’ll have to wait a little longer to see Tiger tee it…
On a Progress to Worcestershire – Which given the paucity of decent racing is probably a good thing
I’m really not that interested in AW racing, and even less so after the outburst of Martin Cruddace this week. Cruddace, a name that smacks of Nominative Determinism, runs Arena Racing, and this week, he accused figures in racing who continually called for greater transparency on racecourses’ media rights income as being “economically illiterate” and…
There is nothing like an election to see Crusades launched
On Thursday, I stumbled across David Davis delivering a speech on BBC Parliament. He was standing behind IDS with Jacob RM in close attendance and several other senior Tory bodies looking intense. Across the chamber, John McDonnell was getting ready to sound sensible and to talk plainly and effectively. The House was far from packed,…
WELL DONE SANDY
Having just missed out on Week 1 of the new PGA season, I backed Sandy’s Sony Hawaiian selections last week on Betfair Exchange. A thrilling “nip and tuck game” led to a three-way playoff, but my nerve failed me and I sacrificed my potential 200 pt profit and “Greened Up” by selling Byeong Hun An…
The PGA Tour – The Sony Open
Sandy Lane – our man in Barbados – writes: Aloha to One and All! Our first foray into the 2024 PGA Tour at last week’s The Sentry proved to be bang on track until the 69th hole. Here, Jordan Spieth, one of the longer-priced of our ‘Big Five’ picks, who had just taken a share…
Warning: Some of this content may trigger anxiety, panic attacks or boredom
Issues such as a sense of entitlement, lack of charm or people skills, and the realities of living in a world where people do not always like each other, are some of the things that might be covered in these notes. Other phrases to cause distress might include Bad Luck (despite the jockey dropping his…
A Very Happy New Year to all and some very brief tips.
What Ho, I have just returned from a very splendid 24 hours of quietly understated all-round excellence. I have drunk well, eaten brilliant food, sat in the company of kind and charming friends, been cossetted and pampered, and generally come back feeling loved and needed. What better way is there to start a New Year? I…
The 2023 Crackers Report – and ITV Racing tips
If you can, spend a few moments on YouTube or Racing TV catching up on the two Irish Christmas racing festivals – especially Leopardstown. Jeepers, they have some excellent animals. Alternatively, look up the last races of these runners who make up my go-to list for winners next March. They all ran and won over…
There’s nothing like a £5 gift – and I mean nothing!
I thought it was just a bad dream – but then I realised it was probably more serious. Was it possible that I have a multiple personality disorder? Many of you had probably already considered it but, being kind souls, had shelved the idea. Yesterday, however, it came to light. I started growling at The Hon,…
The problem with the Interweb – I went down the rabbit hole for 200 minutes, and they were lost forever.
It started as a simple question. “Would…” asked the Hon, “,,, an air-fryer be useful? As a Christmas present?” The mistake I made was to treat that as a reason for research. I brushed off my inner Kipling and his Six Good Serving Men – the mantra of all good researchers and journalists. I keep…
How can you tell a Vegan? Don’t worry if you can’t; they’ll tell you. Over and over and over again.
Only two things irritated my old chum Hilson more than a lousy end-box player on a Blackjack table. They were Antis and Vegetarians, and both were embodied in Linda McCartney. This antipathy was partially a result of Hilson suffering from a collapsed lung whilst wintering in Malindi, which required him to fly home, get fixed,…
A Letter from The Management
What Ho, No post today per se, but I have done a simplified selection list below. Many of them are favourites or top 3 in the betting – that’s just the nature of this ground and the huge number of drawn horses. There is no post because we have suffered several site attacks throughout the…
Call me old-fashioned – in the eighties sense
I bought a record today. It is Fairytale of New York and it is one of my favourite Christmas songs. I did it because there is a growing underground movement driven by the now-aged and ultimately doomed rebels among us to make it Christmas Number One. Part of my admiration is that, despite his boozing…
A reader writes, (and this might stop that happening in the future)
Three emails this week from readers. There were others of course, but in the main, I try not to buy Lobsters over the Interweb and I am no longer concerned at the chemical engorgement of my nethers. The first wanted to know how successful I was in my tipping. I hate letters like that. There…
Universe upon universe and so ad infinitum
For those of you who have already grasped the Quantum Sciences involved in the Many-Worlds Interpretation (MWI), I apologise. For the rest of us pedestrians, it is perhaps easier to simply say that the MWI is one of the most controversial and fascinating interpretations of quantum mechanics. It proposes that there are infinitely many universes…
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
… shall think themselves mighty relieved they don’t have to do another day, fighting the Cheltenham Parking Gauleiters who surely should be considered a potential terrorist operation. Yesterday, the gate that had operated perfectly sweetly and easily in October, and this Friday, was shut to people with an acceptable badge, which had become unacceptable over…
Cheltenham Open Day 2 and the IJF have no diaries to sell
So near and yet so far – the punting today had much the same air as Chicky Oaksey having to explain why there won’t be any Injured Jockey diaries until December. The Friday of the open meeting is Countryside Day. When the shires come out to see mates, bid in the British Olympic Equestrian team’s…
I vote Labour, but my butler’s a Tory
I thought you might be interested in seeing this 1929 General Election Poster and this artice’s title, which is a quote from Louis Mountbatten. “The inspectors all round” is so ironic given what we now know about this Government’s founding of the Rapid Response Unit (Cabinet Office) – The Counter Disinformation Unit (MOD (77Brigade) and…
Move over Nostradamus – The SPAD v2.0 is here!
The COVID inquiry has, thank the Lord, identified and widely publicised the least efficient ways for Government ministers, advisors and Special Ones to be potent forces of efficiency by replacing the language of the Mandarins with fifty ways to say Ferk on Wassup. As a result, it misses many key points of evidence, such as…
Night Nurse with Tonic?
The week seems to have consisted almost entirely of coughing out my lungs. Incapable of movement without hacking, I seem to have been watching endless cookery programmes whilst drinking Bovril Amontillado, much like Captain EV Kinross RN in the film In Which We Serve. I find this more palatable and easier on the nethers than…
And so it begins
A dreadful week. I have been told not to write against stupidity, moral grandstanding, the pernicious growth of anti-semitism, virtue signalling, the ludicrous fear of the word transition, the stifling of free speech, the collapse in varying degrees of our economy, language, and common sense, and coming soon a time when all our fears re…
Back, Back and Baccy
Somewhere between Lambourn and Aphrodite’s alleged watering hole, both The Hon and I did our backs in, and so it’s off to the back-cracker for some remedial work at £8m a pop. What a business to be in. You’re never healed and once the hands have provided some relief you’re back again and again. At…
ITV TIPS DIRECT FROM CYPRUS!
This may or may not work, but at least I’ve tried. My fourth Aperol Spritz before lunch doesn’t help!
It’s a Group 1 Weekend, and Arc, and Ryder, and rugger and, and… !
It is the end of a truly miserable week, which, after much aggravation, has been almost resolved. Quite apart from flu and COVID jabs, and a trip to Coventry to see the dentist and to have my fear of needles, dentists and girls putting their hand in my mouth tested to the max, I seem…
Ryder, Arc and Cyprus – work, work, work
The Trustees of The Kneesup Foundation (World Peace through Gastronomy motto: Edere et bibere, et gaudeamus) have tasked me to fly to Cyprus to see if The Hon and I can help bring together this tiny, divided island through the simple act of redistributing the last few centimes left us by the crooks of this…
The Ayr Gold Cup, The Mill Reef, and a missing caravan
It was a cracking week with Sunday drinks in Lambourn, a London racing lunch, surrounded by old chums who were served the most outstanding roast beef I have eaten for the past five decades; and topped with a backgammon dinner at The Hon’s Club, this time with delicious pork chop the size of a tomahawk…
Doncaster St Leger Day 3
I was going to tell you some fascinating gossip I heard yesterday about two trainers in York who were apparently entertaining Ms. X, the daughter of another trainer with the modern equivalent of some Sherbert dip. Papa was deeply unamused when he walked in on the home science experiment and pistols at dawn were discussed….
Doncaster St Leger Meeting Day 2
The Dentist calls, and I must be away at O-Crack, so there is no time for chats. The day was a disappointment not because they were rubbish selections but because they were there or thereabouts. The first broke slowly and stayed slow; in the second, the selection was third, but I had mentioned the winner….