One of my favourite readers, Mrs Banshee from Kent, sent me a kindly and charming note outlining her concern at my Aga woes. The Aga, she wrote, is not for cooking… “Rather it is for drying one’s knickers on, as everyone who has one knows”. Now call me old-fashioned, but when very attractive women start…
Racing Tips
I bet I’m a better person by the end of the year!
Despite calling in sick for exactly 26 days, it turns out that the Lateral Flow Tests I used every seven days were all flawed, and that I didn’t have to take a long paid holiday at my company’s expense to self-isolate after all, so I am now reporting for duty and will obviously be seeking…
2021 – Half-full at best.
A slow and steady start to the day after a delicious beano last night. Chums from Warwickshire who had been dining elsewhere came to inspect the property and deemed it Good. With some alacrity, much instant planning took place, the Garage had been converted to a swimming pool and spa, and my study was moved…
It’s the little things that make one itch
Robert Duvall – possibly my favourite American film actor – once said: “It’s no big thing, but you make big things out of little things sometimes.” Ain’t that the living truth! I made a dinner that pleased Madame – largely because it came from The Cast Iron Elephant – but which lacked quelq’un and simply…
Going Free, Going Soon – Aga
The elephant in the room at Villa Kneesup, is the inherited double oven gas Aga that pumps out about the same heat as Chernobyl as it melted the main core. It costs £20 a week to run and I have despised Agas all my life except, obs, for His Serenity The Aga Khan. (You might…
Another Feast for the Family – unless you’re Welsh
How sad that Janice Long should die so young of something that always sounds so trifling, Pneumonia. One always rather thinks it is curable, manageable, survivable. Not for poor Janice who was a good egg in the Kneesup pantheon. I had forgotten that her brother was Keith Chegwin, who, while an ass on so many…
Look out – it’s the feast of Stephen
Very little time is left now for a preamble. I still fear that the medical panjandrums will force the Government’s hand and my SPAD-based tip of a lockdown on 28th December for three weeks, has still not been rescinded. Still and all, we kept Christmas Day which for us was spent away from the tip,…
Unlike Matt Hancock (so far), I have returned
As the great Dame Edna would say at the beginning of a new stage show, “Did you miss me Possums?” I know one reader who did, who was blissfully unaware of the tenser moments of my last month and sent a sharp note demanding a refund and compensation. It was only later he remembered this…
Crikey – is there nowhere the cameras won’t be today?
Three English racecourses, two jumps meeting, the final televised Flat Handicap Turf race (as I type I wonder whether that’s right?) of the 2021 season, eight Championship races from the States and a house removal so imminent that I am in despair for the management of Zen as we know it. Staying up to watch…
Another nail in the coffin rather than the horseshoe.
I seem to spend a fair amount of time these days, accidentally drifting in and out of parallel universes. In this multiplicity of locations, 16 hours can pass in a flash, and yet the pace of time can vary from scene to scene. In the “Selling The House” universe, it was about 9 am, when…
There are moments when tis wise to stay shtum
I don’t know about you gentle readers, but about every six weeks, the old fleas start to scratch and you know it’s time for the barber. In my case, the barber is a raven-haired and good-looking woman, who has an Arthurian name and she has cared for my hair, for at least the last five…
QIPCO British Champions Day
A quiet lunch in East Garston, where I see the shoot wagon bringing in hungry souls all sporting long woollen socks and rather bizarrely in one case a pair of Gucci deck shoes. Dinner with friends including my chum Carlisle, in a pub in the Filkins where a log fire blazes. I call him Carlisle…
Warning: Work can kill you
What I have always suspected, has now been proven in a study, undertaken by that august body the Chinese-run WHO and the International Labour Organisation (whose acronym should not be confused with the Illyich Lenin Org.). In this report they revealed that Work kills 2m annually. The study considered 19 occupational risk factors, including exposure…
Day 1 The Future Champions & Cesarewitch Meeting
One day I shall find the time to see where I’m going wrong on the Diary front. I hadn’t realised the Cesarewitch was part of the Future Champions fixture, which used to be Champions Day which moved to Ascot. Never mind – I also get confused by the Autumn Stakes which used to be at…
I’m too lethargic for ennui
Something is amiss in the life of Kneesup. I have been trying to become enthused by The Ryder Cup, and the probable massacre by the USA of our plucky European brethren. Nope – Nada. Am I enthused by The Cambridgeshire? No, not really. The County Championship? Warwick? Oh good. Probably. Formula 1 and The Russian…
A tricky day’s racing, in a week full of tosh.
I just spent two hours writing a preamble that was just another tired rant and I realised that it was pointless. There are simply too many people out there who think The Duchess of LaLa Land is a good egg; that no one is to blame when newbuilds on floodplains collapse and leave families destitute;…
Massively under-exercised
Dear old Mark Twain, who could be something of a dark cove when it came to amusing, intelligent writing, once said: “I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.” That about sums up the current Kneesup predicament, as untroubled sleep has been evading me of late and knackeration can be a grinding thing….
My loyalty has been discarded – along with the Gold Card.
Despite empty shelves, nobody apparently working, the collapse of Kabul, the changes to the NH handicapping system, the sale of the house, and a 15-week-old puppy whose teeth are incredibly sharp, life meanders along much as before. Silly chores, however, do seem to take forever but this is, I suspect because Homo Sapiens has decided…
Who Cares – Cha Cha Cha
Yesterday I went to London. It was exactly 77 weeks to the Friday in March 2020, and once again I was lunching in a London club and once again, the Saturday morning following my exertions was surrounded by the miasma of the unkempt and a large dollop of Hors de Combat. It is the price…
It was ghastly and mawkish and I miss it
I saw most of the Olympics through the eyes of the BBC and mostly with Clare Balding and former-professional International footballer Alex Scott. Clare is so consistently, irritatingly good that it becomes something of a sport in itself, desperately focussing on whether she’ll commit some Private-Eye-worthy ColemanBalls. Given the 70+ hours of presenting that she…
Frictionless Interaction with The Rewilding Elite
In the old days, being a solo-drinker meant you either sat on a barstool and engaged conversationally with the barkeep – or not. In the former case, you told your soon-to-be-new-best-friend what a bitch life was, what a bitch your girlfriend was, what a bitch the greyhound was. Later you declared your undying love for…
A pretty classy day’s racing
If Magners, aka Bulmers, is successful in its bid to avoid paying the sponsorship fees for Cheltenham March 2020, is it possible that I and my fellow travellers in The Sweeping Virgin Public House in Cheltenham, might also have a case for damages? Might we not demand [a] our entrance money back and [b] recompense…
Avoiding the weather puns about Snowfall.
As Open tipping short-lists go, the one that ended my last posting was pretty good. “I was torn for my 5th selection to pick from a shortlist of KOEPKA, LEISHMAN, OOSTHUIZEN and SPIETH and it was easy for me to swerve the favourite. So I didn’t back any of them and will wait until later…
Newmarket Day 3 and the ITV races.
Not the most sparkling Friday, and I apologise. I think there are days when one is simply trying to over-deliver – certainly I overthought it. There was nothing among the winners that really surprised me, but I never even discussed them, and indeed I dismissed a number on the grounds of price rather than ability. …
24th in line to becoming French
We are rapidly approaching a moment in time when it really will be statistically more likely that you will be killed by your toaster than by Covid. Did you know that in May, COVID-19 (and please assume you, mealy-mouthed, statistical apparatchiks, that we precisely understand your deliberate vagueness when using the words “of”, “by”, and…
Up the Amazon, without a cooker.
All in all a pretty good week, certainly in terms of my sitting for a few moments of respite on The Moral High Ground. This week’s MHG is the Amazon Basin which, it turns out, has a large plughole at the bottom, through which the Dunfermline workers hurl perfectly good bits of kit. As their…
Sunday Brunch
I owe you all a huge apology. I was so wrapped up in the whole stick-in-tonsils-swizzle-test thing that I forgot myself. The Drowning and the huge reversal of fortunes between Thursday midday and eight pm on Saturday didn’t help, but still and all I should have mentioned backing The Lib Dems to win Chesham. There…
Ascot Day Sank
How went your day at the bio-secure experiment that was Ascot’s Day 4? I hear you ask. Well, my dears, there was horrendous traffic thanks to a collapsed road which cut off the M4 J14. The road closure resulted in our late arrival at a very delicious breakfast at The Royal Foresters, a highly recommended…
A weekend off perhaps with some Turkish Delight
I find myself heading to Newmarket on business, and on the instructions of the Plantagenet Herald, I am obliged to leave at such a time and in such a manner as will get us to three very important shops en route that sell things I didn’t know we needed. My day is thus curtailed and…
Lord Tissue of Reputation in Tattersalls offers an apology…
Recently it has become obvious that our reputation here at Raceweb Towers for providing honest and scrupulously researched racing tips, political opinions, and other racing-related material has been tainted by a series of corporate failures. Unbeknownst to me as the Chief Executive in the days before my much-deserved ennoblement, it transpires that we did not…
Why we should be worried about both Boris and my tipping?
This week, somebody mentioned Prorogation on the radio and I started to reflect on the Supreme Court’s ruling in 2019, which found that BJ’s decision to advise Her Majesty to prorogue Parliament was unlawful, because it had the effect of frustrating or preventing the ability of parliament to carry out its constitutional functions. Therefore the…
Chips with everything. Huzzah!
This diet malarkey is doing my head in. I am obsessed with the numbers of Kcals (what was wrong with Cals?), and the difference between Carbs and Protein, (not a clue), and whether Dopamine or Thiamine are the same things. All I know is that every meal has to be recorded religiously, nay zealously on…
UPDATED: Rain-impacted selections revisited for Saturday
When I finally stepped down last night/this AM, I was soaked between office and bed. This morning, the going has changed and Lingfield is now as of 12:00 Soft – GS in places. The rain has only just stopped, and unless they have new drainage in, Lingfield tends to hold its water. Ascot is also…
It’s been a strange week. I tried to get involved at Chester but several working challenges presented themselves, so I didn’t. Obs, I kept up with the trials, but I have struggled to get excited about what I have seen so far, in terms of Derby contenders and even my ante-post High Definition started to…
The 1000 Guineas – and a Thank You
I know, I know. I was going to take a day off. But lying abed, feeling sorry for oneself, only works for so long, and besides, I also sensed the Raceform and Timeform race readers were gathering over the video reruns of my life. I could feel them polishing off the racing suffixes to be…
The 2000 Guineas – Punchestown Day 5 – Jab 2
For those of you eagerly anticipating the tips for Day 4 of Punchestown, I’m afraid I was laid low by Jab 2 and am not much better today. I won’t bore you with the details, but I am “cream-crackered”. Every one of my joints feels as though it has actually been to the glue factory…
The last Huzzah of the Winter Game
The social whirl of dinners and drinks invitations this week suggested post-lockdown merriment is an unstoppable train. We have been flat out on the supper front this week. I suspect this has more to do with availability, or perhaps we are known for our huge wardrobe of sensible layered clothing. What I hope no one…
The Irish Grand National – a Galway view
If you want to protect your wealth, the Irish Grand National is a race best watched rather than a sensible betting opportunity. However, sensible is boring and it is much more fun to have a few small bets and hope that at least one of yours is in contention as they approach the last. The…
Easter Monday, Lockinge and Irish Craic
We didn’t start Easter thinking we’d be saying goodbye to Richard Johnson, who retires upright and walking, and capable of a new full and productive life. He has become a role model of sobriety, charm, sportsmanship and common sense – which we know because he has garnered universal acclaim from all quarters, on the news….
Putting the wheels back on the Gravy Train
Many of you will know the music of the much-inked Rag’n Bone Man, and especially his hit lament called “(I’m Only) Human”. A reviewer said of it, possibly in a desperate attempt to be republished in Private Eye’s Pseuds Corner; Rag’n’Bone man speaks for all of us when he expresses his guilt, sadness, and wanting…
AWT Championships? Hasn’t Jesus suffered enough on Good Friday?
Good Friday, and Europe is awash with Fiestas and Fetes celebrating Holy Week. It’s a time of year when I might reasonably consider that the seasons were changing and that I needn’t be in-country a moment longer. It’s a much-hackneyed phrase, but this year I really do get the feeling that “spring is in the…
They’re Off!
A two-parter this week – Tips and comment on Cheltenham. This first, though, as they’re almost OFF for the first day of the 2021 Flat season. Also The tips for The Dubai World Cup and the first race of the 2021 Grand Prix season. Talking of wheels almost certainly coming off, here is the tip…
Mothering Sunday, Cheltenham, Knackering Saturday
On my knees, despite eight hours of sleep and a working man’s breakfast. Only just midday, and I have already had a business meeting; given sound client advice; cocked-up the results of a Cheltenham tipping competition; accidentally kicked the dog and had the man with the angle grinder arrive to start some spring-time repointing and…
A weekend view of The Cheltenham Festival
The girl in the picture is Elvira, whom I have mentioned ante scriptor. She turned up rather suddenly, refused coffee, and then said nothing, but threw furious glances at my unlit fag. I tried to tell her that I thought her top, though lovely, was possibly too chilly for racing. She simply scowled. That is…
This day and that Day.
The Augustinian, German theologian Martin Luther was known for his well-meant interference in early 16th-century religious beliefs, and his fanatical hatred of Jews, Catholics, Anabaptists, and all the other names on his very long list. He rewrote most of the published Catholic liturgical works in the vernacular, all of the Bible and even the Qu’ran….
Another quiet week with nothing on the news
You get weeks like that, don’t you? You can have month after month when the papers are full of horror stories, and the TV and radio stations spout doom and gloom every hour on the hour. A relentless montage of death, destruction and loss. Friends, neighbours, citizens, strangers all weeping and wailing, and all being…
My old gender-neutralised friend – and nobody even bothered to ask …..it?
Some of you will know that on Tuesdays, after tea, I often indulge in a spot of PR and Nowcomms, if only to keep the boot-fags in dubbin and the Crumpet-wallah in proper honey. Thus I am aware, because I hang with my crew and the kids, that all is not well down in the…
Bad Luck Ben and Jim – and good luck to us today.
The stupidest question ever asked of any sportsman, as their hopes, self-worth, future careers and personal reputation lie in tattered, bedraggled pieces in full view of a watching and sometimes, smirking world is: How does that feel? For Sir Ben Ainslie and his sponsor, Ineos owner Sir Jim Ratcliffe, that pile includes £110m of investment, the…
Samantha has just had to pop out…
A slightly ethereal conversation this morning with Madame, who posed the question: “Is it possible, that we might both have died from Covid, and that we have simply gone on as Ghosts in another dimension – unaware of our real state.” Furrowed in brow, I asked her if she was having a total meltdown. Of…
It’s either moss, or the green shoots of a comeback
It’s been a torrid few weeks on the punting front, and the whiff of ordure was beginning to clag these pages. However, like a small, elegant, spring-like springy thing, (think Fantasia’s Hippos dancing), I have sprung back into contention for this year’s Luckier than a Bat in a Chinese Laboratory Trophy. Yesterday we were 12+pts…