No word, for me, can conjure the beauty of youth, the imperiousness of real skill comfortably worn, the vast grandeur of imagination, quite like hearing ” ‘Orance”. I hear that, and I can see O’Toole, camel mounted, singing in the Jordanian valley “The Man Who Broke The Bank at Monte Carlo” and the echoes coming…
ITV Racing Tips
Football not the same as Veganism… who knew?
As you might imagine, I was shocked by the Employment Tribunal judgement delivered in McClung v Doosan Babcock Ltd. Caramba, I hear you cry. Not the Unfair dismissal claim by a Rangers supporter who wasn’t given time off by his Celtic-supporting line manager? The very same, says I. Mr Eddie McClung was employed by Doosan…
Cunning plans heaped upon cunning plans.
The torrid arguments about the future of racing continued apace this week. Various pointless assurances about its future have been uttered, and all of them bear an uncanny resemblance to my promising to raise funds for Widows and Orphans by swimming the Atlantic. It might happen – but it is unlikely. We have also had…
Up the Amazon without a stamp
A little shout-out to Amazon, from whom I bought some stamps last June in bulk. What can go wrong with that transaction, I thought. Nothing until I tried exchanging them for stamps with bar codes as required by Royal Mail. This resulted in a curt note from RM, suggesting the stamps are – and this…
The Fleche was strong -but is racing’s spirit weak?
The Autumn double arrives with The Cambridgeshire, a race with a history that should reinvigorate the spirit and souls of ALL racing fans as they prepare for the long hibernation. Recently, it is a race that has unmasked Group 1 winners masquerading as handicappers. Chief among the founders of its distinguished history is La Fleche,…
Like Meghan, I am blessed
As the world descends into chaos and the End of Days announces itself with a viral outbreak “of concern” in the Argentine, my week finishes with visits to plumbing centres, tile shops and a search online for Oxygen suppliers to help me get me over the onset of the vapours caused by the additional building…
The circus comes to town.
This week’s diary found me pinning a badge saying “I like Milk from Cows” on a small Ukrainian child. As you might imagine, my historical engagement with young children has been plagued by the conflict between my upbringing and the modern social mores. Young Vlad’s rudimentary English and his impeccable good manners prevented him from…
York Day Three
A day full of mixed emotions. The exam results bode well for young Theocrates with two A* and an A. Does this get him into the Maths department of his Uni of choice? Of course not – he is white and middle class and the place must go to someone with lesser grades who has…
York Day 2
Well, there can’t be many times when you get beaten out of sight and you’re cheering the photograph that shows you coming third. The result of that photograph in the Juddmonte International meant for Sir Busker’s owners £55,000 more prize money than the 4th horse – a total of £107,600. Their exceptional horse came third…
York Day 1
Thank God the rain has come. Except, of course, that the concrete-baked ground cannot soak it up, so it runs off. That in turn will lead to flash flooding. Never mind, better on than off, as my old Nanny used to say before packing me off to some Deb’s hop, and if it is going…
Newmarket July Festival Day 3
A dreadful day at Newmarket for readers of this column where we lost two selections in a horrific on-track accident. Both TRIBAL ART and SUMMER’S KNIGHT suffered terminal injuries in the Bet365 Trophy handicap. I won’t say any more, but I was already shouting at the screen before the accident, at the amount of scrimmaging…
Stand by to fend off all boarders: July Festival Day 2
The Hon. is diseased and I have run out the Yellow Jack to warn the bumboats, tinkers and itinerant matchstick sellers to stay away. I have had to move a number of appointments, and cancel a Sunday lunch that would have had a range of very splendid wines served alongside delicious food. I have changed…
The Newmarket July meeting – how cute.
As I sit at my desk, the summer idyll is only broken by the rolling TV news being broadcast into my office. The 1922 Committee is about to be called together, and at any moment I am expecting a call from No 10 as I become by accident, the last man standing in the Valley…
This next month will prove crucial to the future of racing
I suppose one might describe this past week as better than expected. In cellar terms, not a filthy glugging week, but more a robust cru bourgeois week. A bit of tennis, a drinks party, a soupcon of American cousins, some musical theatre, a brace of jolly (and free) dinners, and a visit from my travelling…
The Aga Can’t.
For a brief and glorious moment, I truly thought I was home free. Arriving back last night to Camp Tamarkan, the temperature was slightly north of melted engine block territory but I brushed it aside knowing that I had less than a week to go before The Aga was switched off and removed. The financial…
I might have taken too many steps – Ascot Day 3
A CORRECTION: The Cousin of Capt Smyly isn’t. She’s his Niece! Nice. He’ll be able to invite her to The Derby Dinner. I must admit I did think she looked more like young Beaujolais and less vintage Claret. The Hon. took me around the No 1 car park yesterday, on what she described as a…
The FA Cup, Golf and The Lockinge
They’re racing early tomorrow because of the FA Cup. For some reason, I had it in my head that the Cup was next weekend and that this weekend we had The French Grand Prix. I spent 20 minutes proving to myself that The French GP is in fact the Spanish and that it is happening…
1000 Guineas
The Almost God of Thirsk smiled briefly in our collective direction when I wrote, DUBAI LOVE is getting first-time cheekpieces from S Bin S and while he’s a perfectly nice horse the issue is his ability rather than his focus. PISANELLO’s Beverley victory LTO came in spite of major traffic problems in the last furlong…
The Guineas Meeting Day 1
It isn’t every day that we pull a 25/1 winner out of the hat, but that is what we did in the Bumper yesterday at Punchestown. We also had several decent e/w shots and at one time I thought we were in with a shout of taking the La Touche – but like so much…
Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest?
Showing a woeful grasp of history, the bollocks-sphere has rung with the mutterings of the illiterati, suggesting that the Bishops have no right to involve themselves in matters temporal; and that Cantuar is a Woke liberal who is being racist when he suggests that Rwanda is unfit for Syrian refugees, (but OK for Gorillas according…
The Irish Grand National.
I wanted to touch briefly on The Cheltenham Festival which the Jockey Club seem determined to have as a five-day meeting regardless of the outcome of what I have already described as the thin veneer of a consultation. I did however just want to give you a few reasons why I think it’s a bad…
Sunny side up – at last
What a weekend for sunshine and sunny moments. Sam Waley-Cohen being hugged by Marcus Armytage – a rare and precious mantle now shared. Scottie Scheffler taking the Green Jacket after some spectacular golf under intense scrutiny and pressure. Both sportsmen set the highest standards for grit, determination, consistency and general good-eggedness, which left me feeling…
You’re not allowed to say boo to the Goose
Editorial Note: No people died from Covid in the writing of this article and the author has recently tested negative – again. Even as Thor’s Day gets into gear and as the first rounds get underway at Augusta, I shall be back at The Great Western Hospital undergoing what should have happened on Monday, after…
Race, kick, run, vroom vroom Sleep
If Cheltenham moves to five days, this is what this morning will feel like – except you’ll have to put your tweeds on, kick the empty bottles and the knackered spaniels aside and head for Cleeve Hill again. I don’t know how trainers do it… we were back home by 11:00 pm, but on our…
The Last Post of Cheltenham
There was a moment on Thursday when the Kneesup world took a definitive turn for the worse. Not the excessive prices that Cheltenham has been charging for a Pint of Guinness, nor the ludicrous absence of mobile signal in the 21st century; nor the woeful and controlled wifi signal that allows you to only bet…
Cheltenham Thursday St Patrick’s Day
I have just read some unutterable drivel that suggests that the Turners Novice Chase, while not totally brilliant with only the four horses competing in a championship race, is somehow still great, (and thus excusable), because we will actually get a great match race between Bob Olinger and Galopin Des Champs, and neither will be…
Cheltenham Day 1
No time for chit chat. I’m building a website for a charity; I’ve got an environmental campaign to put together; I’ve just come back from seeing my furrowed eye-brow consultant and I’m not sure where The Cheltenham tweeds are. All this before 7.00 pm when I’m off for road-kill with his Lordship. So onto the…
Feast or Famine? It’s not just at Cheltenham.
I wondered this week, at what point the Labour front-bench might overcome their oft-absent scruples and walk out of the chamber en masse in order to join the International Brigade. They might not have been alone. The demeanour of Ben Wallace, (whose preemptive “Here, Let Me Help You” strike on Priti Patel will have weakened…
A rarity for Sunday
For a number of reasons, you are getting a Sunday post. Firstly I had a note from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales, who thought I was dismissive in my racing notes yesterday, of what will be surely seen as one of the 21st century’s greatest races between brave and redoubtable SHISHKIN and the so-nearly…
Better the devil you know…
It’s hard to know what to make of the nellies who constitute the lower orders on the Conservative backbenches. The Rt. Hon. Member for Frightfully-Cross and his Hon. Friend the Member for Hopeful-without-Reason, all appear to have shot their bolt. More to the point, they all failed to grasp – as did I – that…
2021 – Half-full at best.
A slow and steady start to the day after a delicious beano last night. Chums from Warwickshire who had been dining elsewhere came to inspect the property and deemed it Good. With some alacrity, much instant planning took place, the Garage had been converted to a swimming pool and spa, and my study was moved…
Going Free, Going Soon – Aga
The elephant in the room at Villa Kneesup, is the inherited double oven gas Aga that pumps out about the same heat as Chernobyl as it melted the main core. It costs £20 a week to run and I have despised Agas all my life except, obs, for His Serenity The Aga Khan. (You might…
Another Feast for the Family – unless you’re Welsh
How sad that Janice Long should die so young of something that always sounds so trifling, Pneumonia. One always rather thinks it is curable, manageable, survivable. Not for poor Janice who was a good egg in the Kneesup pantheon. I had forgotten that her brother was Keith Chegwin, who, while an ass on so many…
Crikey – is there nowhere the cameras won’t be today?
Three English racecourses, two jumps meeting, the final televised Flat Handicap Turf race (as I type I wonder whether that’s right?) of the 2021 season, eight Championship races from the States and a house removal so imminent that I am in despair for the management of Zen as we know it. Staying up to watch…
Burgers and Beer – it must be BC
Were I to be asked to take High Office, I’m afraid that some of my beastlier attributes might come out – not least my intense dislike of any kind of extremism or radicalism. I loathe converts, whose newly discovered beliefs are so much more important and worthy than those who believed in the beginning. I…
Another nail in the coffin rather than the horseshoe.
I seem to spend a fair amount of time these days, accidentally drifting in and out of parallel universes. In this multiplicity of locations, 16 hours can pass in a flash, and yet the pace of time can vary from scene to scene. In the “Selling The House” universe, it was about 9 am, when…
Warning: Work can kill you
What I have always suspected, has now been proven in a study, undertaken by that august body the Chinese-run WHO and the International Labour Organisation (whose acronym should not be confused with the Illyich Lenin Org.). In this report they revealed that Work kills 2m annually. The study considered 19 occupational risk factors, including exposure…
A tricky day’s racing, in a week full of tosh.
I just spent two hours writing a preamble that was just another tired rant and I realised that it was pointless. There are simply too many people out there who think The Duchess of LaLa Land is a good egg; that no one is to blame when newbuilds on floodplains collapse and leave families destitute;…
The Ebor Festival – York Racecourse Day 3
Apologies for the sudden departure yesterday, but our time is not always our own. It was good racing on the second day, although quite why the Galtres isn’t televised is strange. I have mentioned the AP doldrums recently, and some commentators made the point that if the rest of the Coolmore string is underperforming, then…
Newmarket July Meeting Day 2
Yesterday’s Raceweb advisory was a tale of two halves. On the real and considered side of the equation, we were +4pts with a win and two decent places. Then in the second half I also referenced an amusing possible Ryan Moore Across the card “fun” bet, by which, I hope you understand, I mean very,…
Ascot Day Sank
How went your day at the bio-secure experiment that was Ascot’s Day 4? I hear you ask. Well, my dears, there was horrendous traffic thanks to a collapsed road which cut off the M4 J14. The road closure resulted in our late arrival at a very delicious breakfast at The Royal Foresters, a highly recommended…
Ascot Day 4
It was a day when the Shortlist produced 3 winners and the final selections looked like after-thoughts. Mark you, much of the day was lost to trying to decipher a set of NHS instructions in order to take two tests, in order to gain access to Ascot. What is it about all Government communications that…
Ascot Day 3
Work raises its ugly head and delays matters, while winking at me from the sideboard are the 227 tests I have to take before Friday’s big adventure. But first, we must continue our labours against the bookies and, as labours go, yesterday went pretty well. We’re showing a 30pt profit for the meeting so far,…
For a brief moment we all became Christians
Thanks to the Welsh, the first score draw arrived on Saturday, while I travelled back from Newmarket, having spent the morning with William Knight and the boys from Kennet Valley Thoroughbreds. We were taking pictures of their new branded racing kit, KVT having secured a decent sponsorship deal with the fast-growing pub company, Oakman Group…
The denuded antepost list and how to pull Elle Macpherson
Endless numbers of “stars” and “celebrity doctors” keep insisting that for me to be well, I must be happy. For me to be happy I must… and there then follows on TV, a horrific list of things one must buy, achieve or obtain, depending on the time of day. Much of it appears to have…
The Dante Meeting Day 2
Yesterday – I discovered appropriately today – was National Diary Day. In that vein, yesterday’s selections weren’t so appalling, but still, we were down a point for the day and all of it the 3l difference between the winner and Raymond Tusk at 40/1. I take no comfort in the words of one of my…
York’s Day 1 and welcome to the new Chairman
Stand by for another guff-fest from Ed “Woke” Chamberlain, where he waxes lyrical about the fact that A WOMAN is the Chairman of York Racecourse – the first in the history of The Knavesmire. “Extraordinary”. “What A Moment”. “The Glass Ceiling….” “Another step forward in equalising blah blah blah.” I am not such a royalist…
UPDATED: Rain-impacted selections revisited for Saturday
When I finally stepped down last night/this AM, I was soaked between office and bed. This morning, the going has changed and Lingfield is now as of 12:00 Soft – GS in places. The rain has only just stopped, and unless they have new drainage in, Lingfield tends to hold its water. Ascot is also…
It’s been a strange week. I tried to get involved at Chester but several working challenges presented themselves, so I didn’t. Obs, I kept up with the trials, but I have struggled to get excited about what I have seen so far, in terms of Derby contenders and even my ante-post High Definition started to…
The 1000 Guineas – and a Thank You
I know, I know. I was going to take a day off. But lying abed, feeling sorry for oneself, only works for so long, and besides, I also sensed the Raceform and Timeform race readers were gathering over the video reruns of my life. I could feel them polishing off the racing suffixes to be…